Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his



shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a 



mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.



"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud.



The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work



if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom



make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn.  Still,



the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll 



be a miracle!"



Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and 



hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the 



great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:



"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."



There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and then the commuter pilot says:



Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short.  I don't



feel quite that lucky.







I asked an ex-military friend who used to work in the Key West area,



about the weakness of our Southern air-defense, and here is what he



told me:



When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much



pressure from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which



aircraft are carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar



operators have been replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs.



Whenever the dog sees a new blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it,



and if he detects drugs, he barks, which alerts the supervisor (a human),



who sounds the alarm.







Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say: 



Help, I'm hopelessly lost over Gravette, Ark.  



We all looked at each other, and after a chuckle, the controller for that 



area asked the pilot: If you are hopelessly lost, how do you know you are 



over Gravette, Ark.? The pilot said:



Because I'm circling the water tank and it says Gravette, Ark!!



(The town was too small to be on his sectionals).

A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he



had a town in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the



controller told him to descend and look for the town's water tower,



see what it said on the side, climb back up and tell him.  Sure enough in about 



3 minutes the pilot called back and said: Approach, I found the water tower.  



The controller, looking rather pleased, asked: And what did it say on the side?  



The pilot replied: It said Seniors, 1978. 







Tower:  Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, 



        Cessna in the pattern doing touch and go's. 



Me:     Cessna 123, downwind for 16. 



        Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions? 



Tower:  Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...



        (brief instructions)...and remain clear of 16. 



Me:     Cessna 123, turning left base for 16. 



Tower:  Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. 



        Cessna 123 fly through final, 270 to 16. 





Me:     (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) 



        Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you repeat that last?



Tower:  Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. 



(Pregnant pause)



Tower:   ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time) 



Me:     Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.







Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao.



A bit of Background is in order:  CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field



just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR



(Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at



first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have 



permanent PPR's.



One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk 



from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers 



asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected 



the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29.  



We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:





Tomahawk:   F-XAA is final 29, touch and go.



Tower:      XAA is cleared touch and go, 29.



{Several more circuits later...} 



Tomahawk:   F-XAA is final 29, touch and go.



Tower:      F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. 



            How many more circuits were you planning on making?



Tomahawk:   We thought we'd make one or two more."



Tower:      Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing



            fees, and you're up to $13,000 now." 



{LONG delay...} 



Tomahawk:   THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!" 



Another LONG delay



Tower:      Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement.







Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine



plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both



people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the



wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make



Burbank airport.



Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue



said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".







This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic 



when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle f the runway, 



and just stands there looking at them.



Tower:          Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.



Std:            What should I do?  What should I do?



Inst:           What do you think you should do?



(think-think-think)



Std:            Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.



Inst:           That's a good idea."



(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)



Tower:          Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.



Std:            What should I do?  What should I do?



Inst:           What do you think you should do?



(think-think-think)



Std:            Maybe I should tell the tower.



Inst:           That's a good idea.



Std:            Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.



(long pause)



Tower:          Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for



                immediate departure.



(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the



runway, and runs back into the woods.)



Tower:          Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN.  Caution wake 



                turbulence, departing deer.



It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.







I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area the other day,



when I heard a new-sounding student call up, inbound for a landing,



with his instructor sitting next to him, shouting prompts in the



background over the engine noise....



N23B:   (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) 



        CESSNA 5123B (7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing)  



        INBOUND FOR LANDING (with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!



Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!



LWM:    [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background] (Cessna 23B)



        [Tower] CESSNA 23B (report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE               



        RIGHT BASE (runway 32) RUNWAY 32



N23B:   [instructor, now on the mike]  YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY,



        REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B







I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:



LNS tower:      Cessna 1234X, report three mile final.



Cessna 1234X:   Unable, we're negative DME.







Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:



BB:             Bay Approach, Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.



Bay Approach:   Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.



BB:             Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run 



                over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!



Bay:            That's a good reason. 8300 approved.

Direct from the ABS convention at IWS (West Houston, TX):  On arrival day for



the ABS convention, an FAA Flight Check aircraft showed up to flight check



the instrument approaches at IWS.  Was interesting to watch them try to do



this with lots of traffic in the pattern.  Also, the tower was a temporary



VFR facility which was having major problems since the notam about the



temporary tower had the wrong frequency listed.



FL 98:  Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and



        we are inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach only at MDA.



IWS:    Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple aircraft



        inbound for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic.



        [NORDO = ATC does not have radio contact with these aircraft]



FL 98:  Roger, will break off the approach at MAP.



        [MAP = Missed Approach Point on the instrument approach procedure being used]



IWS:    Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your



        intentions after the RNAV 33 approach?



FL 98:  We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach.



IWS:    Roger, have fun out there.



  . . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach



FL 98:  Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change.



IWS:    Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8



FL 98:  23.8. See you later.



 . . .  several minutes later



FL 98:  West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the



        RNAV 15 approach.  Low approach only.



IWS:    Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO



        aircraft in the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston.



FL 98:  Roger. By the way, are you aware that the localizer to 15



        is out of service?  (side note, there is no LOC 15!)



IWS:    Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this



        airport.  Say again.



FL 98:  Isn't this Southwest?



IWS:    Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here.



FL 98:  Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport.



IWS:    No problem.  By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9.



        Say intentions.



FL 98:  Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete



        checking the RNAV 15 and be departing the area.



IWS:    Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact



        departure on 123.8.  



No one in the TRACON is ever going to believe this story.







About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line.



The Sales Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something



we could handle, so I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson



Co. Executive about 20 or so miles south of Kansas City.



The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City



Int'l in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice



day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line of



airliners in order to land......



KC Appch:   Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.



Us:         We've got him.  We'll follow him.



KC Appch:   Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock 



            and three miles.  Do you have that traffic?



Delta 105:  (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl)  



            Wwweelllll, I've got something down there.  



            Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.







This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, 



[weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.]  Arriving aircraft contact 



approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me?







A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were 



chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject 



of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding 



that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, 



acceleration and the like.  



The B-36 pilot replied: Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't 



even touch. Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. Watch, he tells them.





After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says: There! How was that?  



Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say: What are you talking about?  



Reply: Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs 



for a chat with the navigator.







Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec1991.



Lady Radar Controller:  Can I turn you on at 7 miles?



Airline Captain:        Madam, you can try.







Pilot:                  Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff



Persons unknown:        Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and pressures 



                        rising, keep the aircraft straight using .....







Tower:          Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement.



AC:             How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?



Tower:          At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that 



                is bound to avoid one hell of a racket.







I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended



with a slight twist......



...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of



destination and altitude and you play golf.



Coincedentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting 



ready to go. The exchange was: 



Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about 



a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern.



[delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]



Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, 



he's a scratch golfer.



Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, 



and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.  







Several years ago I heard a pilot check in with approach control



with the following (names changed because I don't remember them):



  [said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]



Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with Information -- 



excuse the expression -- Yankee.



Fliegerwitze I   Fliegerwitze II   Fliegerwitze III   Fliegerwitze IV   Fliegerwitze V