This is from when my wife was a student pilot returning to HYA from the

practice area:



7MA:    Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.

HYA:    Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.

7MA:    We're a Cessna 182.

HYA:    Negative, say *type* landing.

7MA:    Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.

HYA:    7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.

7MA:    (Silence) A good one I hope.







Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at

Namao. A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military

field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require

a PPR (Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the

controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all

our aircraft have permanent PPR's.



One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk

from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers

asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We

expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them

right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:



Tomahawk:       "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."

Tower:          "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".



{Several more circuits later...}



Tomahawk:       "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"

Tower:          "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you

                planning on making?"

Tomahawk:       "We though we'd make one or two more."

Tower:          "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing

                fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."



{LONG delay...}



Tomahawk:       "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"

Tower:          "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement.







Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine

plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport,

both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out

of the wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to

make Burbank airport.

Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue

said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".







I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:



LNS tower:              "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."

Cessna 1234X:           "Unable, we're negative DME."







Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:



BB:             "Bay Approach, Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."

Approach:       "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."

BB:             "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been

                run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"

Approach:       "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."







Direct from the ABS convention at IWS (West Houston, TX): On arrival day for

the ABS convention, an FAA Flight Check aircraft showed up to flight check

the instrument approaches at IWS. Was interesting to watch them try to do

this with lots of traffic in the pattern. Also, the tower was a temporary

VFR facility which was having major problems since the notam about the

temporary tower had the wrong frequency listed.



FL 98:  Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and we are

        inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach only at MDA.

IWS:    Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple aircraft inbound

        for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic.

        [NORDO = ATC does not have radio contact with these aircraft]

FL 98:  Roger, will break off the approach at MAP.

        [MAP = Missed Approach Point on the instrument approach procedure

        being used]

IWS:    Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your intentions

        after the RNAV 33 approach?

FL 98:  We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach.

IWS:    Roger, have fun out there.

        . . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach

FL 98:  Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change.

IWS:    Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8

FL 98:  23.8. See you later

        . . . several minutes later

FL 98:  West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the RNAV 15

        approach. Low approach only.

IWS:    Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO aircraft in

        the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston.

FL 98:  Roger. By the way, are you aware that the localizer to 15 is out of

        service? (side note, there is no LOC 15!)

IWS:    Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this airport.

        Say again.

FL 98:  Isn't this Southwest?

IWS:    Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here.

FL 98:  Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport.

IWS:    No problem. By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9. Say intentions.

FL 98:  Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete checking

        the RNAV 15 and be departing the area.

IWS:    Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact departure

        on 123.8. No one in the TRACON is ever going to believe this story.







About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line. The Sales

Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something we could handle, so

I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20 or so

miles south of Kansas City.



The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a

Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and

we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......



KC Appch:       "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Us:             "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Appch:       "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and

                three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105:      (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got

                something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,

                though."







What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?



American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.







Heard last weekend at Palo Alto while I was inbound from Leslie Salt:



PAO Twr:        "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the

                left 45."

Mooney 23D:     "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."



Pause...



PAO Twr:        "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted

                Cherokee just abeam the numbers." 







Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"



Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."







Pilot:                  "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff"



Persons unknown:        "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and

                        pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."

Lost student pilot:     "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,

                        identify yourself"







Tower:  "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"

AC:     "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"

Tower:  "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that

        is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".







Several years ago I heard a pilot check in with approach control with the

following (names changed because I don't remember them):



[said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]



Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with

Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.







I heard this exchange between Baltimore Approach and a C-172 about 3pm on

March 1st. I missed the first part of the exchange, but the part I did hear

follows. The tail number has been changed to protect the guilty...



Balto:          N12345, Type of aircraft?

N12345:         Cessna 172

Balto:          N12345, sqwalk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.

N12345:         I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north. I just

                want flight following.

Balto:          Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.

N12345:         What?

Balto:          N12345, resume own navigation.

N12345:         I don't understand.

Balto:          (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.

N12345:         What does that mean?

Balto:          It means you do the navigating.

N12345:         Oh. Ok.

Balto:          N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?

N12345:         Uh, no. That's why I want flight following.

Balto:          Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?

N12345:         Which way can I go?

Balto:          West or east.

N12345:         I'll go west.

Balto:          N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok?

N12345:         Uh, ok...west of I-95. Thanks.







I heard this from my brother, who is a Search and Rescue pilot at Canadian

Forces Base Bagotville, Quebec. It's an apocryphal story that allegedly

happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:



Helicopter Pilot:       "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".

Second voice:            "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that beacon!"

(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."







A tower controller at a nameless airport in the southeast had a reputation

for screwing up the most routine things...



Me:     xxxxx ground, Tiger 45210, South ramp, taxi, VFR to Charlotte 5500'.

Gnd:    Tiger 210 taxi.. wind... upon departure... standby for squawk.



[we taxi about 20 feet]



Gnd:    210, say altitude.

Me:     210 is at 1048', climbing to 5500'

Gnd:    210! [starting to sound annoyed] ...uh... [sounding less annoyed]

        ...roger.







I was inbound from a nearby airport in a Tomahawk, while at the same time

our other Tomahawk was inbound from the practice area. We called up almost

at the same time the same distance from the airport.



Twr:    591, traffic off your left is another Tomahawk.

591:    591 has the traffic in sight.

Twr:    436, traffic off your right is another Tomahawk.

436:    436 has the traffic.



[brief pause while the controller figures out that we're the same distance

From the airport, going the same speed, on nearly parallel courses.]



Twr:    You guys just want to fight it out amongst yourselves?

591:    You go ahead, Sam.

436:    Nah, I got Rodney under the hood; we'll make a wide pattern.

591:    Ok. Tower, 591 will be number 1.







*Many* commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare

Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2

hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck

somewhere. Pilots, passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and

angry.



ATC:                    "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."

Unknown Aircraft:       "Ahhh . . . bullshit!"

ATC:                    "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."



(silence)



ATC:                    "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"



(silence)



ATC:                    "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself.

                        American 411, was that you?"



American 411:           "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."

NW 202:                 "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

Delta 55:               "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

NW 33:                  "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"



. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.







A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories

about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot,

but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing,

scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold while

the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our

arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the

last airplane that landed there.







Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the

passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough

air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain.

His announcement:



Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our

wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that

the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's

perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to

bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere

near that yet.







Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the

approach, contact tower at the outer marker." 

Without realizing that hismike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."



Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"







Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: 

"Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three

weeks."







Radar:  FranceAir 1234, Confirm are you an airbus 320 or 340

Pilot:  340, of course

Radar:  In this case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and

        giving me 1000 ft/min or more?







Heard in a Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:



Have you heard about the birdstrike of the airbus 340? It happened over the

north-atlantic. It was hit by the bird from behind!







There's a story about a C-124 and an F-4 on intersecting taxiways at

Rhein-Main long ago. The F-4 driver asked Ground what the Globemaster's

intentions were.

It is said that the C-124 pilot opened the clamshell doors in the nose and

announced, "I'm going to eat you."







S19:    Tower, this is Speedbird One-Niner, request clearance.

Twr:    Well, hello, there. We're so glad to hear from you. Would you believe

        you're the first aircraft we've had in or out since Monday?

S19:    That's very nice, Tower, S19 requests the information.

Twr:    Well, there's an overcast at 1000 feet, but there's not a breath of

        wind. You can't believe how boring it's been lately, we haven't had

        any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19:    Tower, S19 requests landing instructions, and which runway is active?

Twr:    You can have any runway you like, we're just so happy to see you, we

        haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday.

S19:    Roger, S19 will be doing an ILS approach on runway 27.

 Twr:   You're cleared for the ILS approach on 27, report when you have the

        runway in sight.



      (A little later)



S19:    Tower, S19 has the runway in sight, 1 mile final for 27 - Tower, for

        God's sake, there's another airliner taking off on 09 directly

        towards us!

Twr:    Oh, my God, don't tell me it's going to be another day like Monday.







Air Cadet in back of DH Chippy (first flight) takes control of the aircraft

and pushes PTT button on the top of stick.

ATC in FY Tower: "Aircraft transmitting "duggaduggaduggaduggadugga" identify

yourself!"