257, Do you have Charlie?

Tower, 257, Negative, we left him back at the hanger!

257, Do you have Echo?

Tower, 257, Negative, recieving you loud and clear!

257, Do you have Hotel?

Tower, 257, Negative, We are staying with friends!

257, Do you have Juliet?

Tower, 257, Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!

257, Do you have Kilo?

Tower, 257, Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!

257, Do you have Mike?

Tower, 257, Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!

257, Do you have Oscar?

Tower, 257, Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!

257, Do you have Popa?

Tower, 257, Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!

257, Do you have Romeo?

Tower, 257, Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

257, Do you have Uniform?

Tower, 257, Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!

257, Do you have Victor?

Tower, 257, Negative, Who is Victor?

257, Do you have Xray?

Tower, 257, Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!

257, Do you have Whiskey?

Tower, 257, Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?









Q: What is the definition of a non-precision approach?



A: A blond on an ILS







 

Another true story. This happened late one evening when I was working

operations control. This was obviously the crew's first time at RDU.

I had already given the numbers along w/ gate assignment to the crew. The

conversation with as follows.



Crew:   Raleigh-Durham this is five-seven-five coming at ya. Confirm gate

        assignment.

Self:   Five-seven-five gate assignment is ten that's one-zero.

Crew:   Raleigh-Durham copy ten one-zero

Self:   Affirmative five-seven-five.

Crew:   Raleigh-Durham we're on the ground.

Self:   Five-seven-five copy on the ground.

Crew:   Uhhh Raleigh-Durham where is our ground crew?

Self:   Ground crew on the ground at gate 10 that's one-zero sir.

Crew:   Raleigh-Durham, I thought you had jetways at this airport.

Self:   Affirmative on the jetways five-seven-five.

Crew:   Raleigh-Durham WHERE IS THE GROUND CREW????

Self:   Five-seven-five..the ground crew saw you land, but where are you?

        Identify your surroundings, sir. 

Crew:   Raeigh-Durham, we are parked by a DC-9, tail number niner-two-five

        and there is a UPS stretch 727 on the other end of the terminal.

Self:   Copy that sir. Sir, I strongly suggest you announce a gate change.

        You have parked yourself at the Air Freight terminal.

Crew:   Ugh oh! Copy gate change.

Crew announced a gate change and arrived several minutes later.









Heard in an Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:



How does the Airbus A340 manage to climb?

By the bend of the earth!









Landing Rating Scale:



5. Marvelous, ace. Couldn't do better myself.

4. I've seen better; just can't remember when.

3. Average. I could do better with my eyes closed.

2. You going to log all of those?

1. That wasn't a landing; that was an arrival.

0. Go get the trailer, boys.







 

Another true story which took place in the baggage claim office. Psgr

arriving early am flt f/ LGA for meeting had ck'd his briefcase AND as you

can imagine, it did not arrive on the flt.



Psgr:   (literally pounding his fist on the ctr ) I want to know who is in



        charge here!!!!!

Agt:    Looks like you are sir.

Psgr:   Young man, that is not funny! I want to speak to someone w/ a little

        authority!!!!!!!

Agt:    I've got about as little as anybody, maybe I can help you!

At this point the psgr stormed out of the office to find a mgr.









Reportedly true, I know the controller, and can believe it:



ATC:            "Delta 23, cross Gainesville at and maintain flight level two seven zero."

Delta23:        "Delta 23, roger."



(three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, still at FL 350) 



ATC:            "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at

                        flight level two seven zero?"

Delta23:        "uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that, my first officer took

                        that clearance"

ATC:            "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"









I know this one is true, I was the controller:



ATC:            "Critter 127, maintain flight level two niner zero, traffic twelve

                o'clock, niner miles, opposite direction at flight level two eight

                zero, King Air."

Critter:        "Critter 127, roger."

ATC:            "Critter, correction, your traffic at flight level two eight zero

                        is a Beech Starship."

Critter:        "Critter, roger, we have the backwards King Air in sight."



[for the unfamiliar, a Starship is an aircraft with "pusher" engines, and a

canard wing]









A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would

bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student

greased in all of his landings.

Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much

trouble during the day?"

The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen

up, then I just pull back."









On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando

valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a

controller with a similar problem.

He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a

private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period

of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't

quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as

to where he was being sent.

There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30

seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:



"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.









"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short

notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always

looking at their watch."









Commandments of Helicopter Flying.



*  He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.

*  Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine Translational Lift.

*  Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is

   the area of destruction.

*  Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he

   shall surely perish.

*  Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet

   lest the earth rise and smite thee.

*  Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot

   against a stone.

*  Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way

   to destruction.

*  He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall

   surely make restitution.

*  He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his

   childrens children.

*  Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.









   The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:



*  Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

*  Join our frequent near-miss program.

*  Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

*  Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!

*  Complimentary champagne in free-fall.

*  Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

*  The kids will love our inflatable slides.

*  You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!

*  Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

*  Delta: We might be landing on your street!

*  Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

*  Bring a bathing suit.

*  So that's what these buttons do!

*  Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

*  Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.









Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)



San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not

able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.









Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit

cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet

into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as

follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh,

up, sir."









A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally

fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in

the cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot

continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next

to a tall office building.

He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down

windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"

The person responds "In an airplane!"

The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a

perfect landing at ABE.

As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot,

"I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how

the response you got was any use."

"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate

and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L

building."









On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his

passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to

take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I

have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little'

plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit

back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put

your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing

of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot

humor..."









On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit

so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the

FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a

gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came

in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.

Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his

left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the

video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that

a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating

some of the controls!!!









This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He

managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er

up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many

airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True,

most pilots use the airport over there."









Tower:"12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345:"No....I am a male hispanic."









Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but

gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my

freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks

me to check.









Me:     "Mooney 45Q, are you on this frequency?"

45Q:    "Negative. But I should be any time now."









Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore of

Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get fairly high to

get the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger.



Me:     Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500,

        VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as

        possible.

ATC:    QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.

Me:     {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!

ATC:    Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.









One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the

loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for

awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on

Unicom instead of over the ICS:



LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much --

you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise!

All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!



Followed shortly afterward by:



ATC:    "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on

        my frequency!"









Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:



Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.



The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose

name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"









Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his

shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a

mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.



"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud.

The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work

if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let

Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn.

Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom,

it'll be a miracle!"



Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into

position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his

mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:



"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."



There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says

"Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't

feel quite that lucky."











A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town

in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller told him to

descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the side,

climb back up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called

back and said, "Approach, I found the water tower". The controller, looking

rather pleased, asked "And what did it say on the side?" The pilot replied,

"It said Seniors, 1978". Truly happened.









Tower:      Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, Cessna in

            the pattern doing touch and go's.

Me:         Cessna 123, downwind for 16.

H-1:        Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions?

Tower:      Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief

            instructions)...and remain clear of 16.

Me:         Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.

Tower:      Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through final, 270 to 16.

Me:         (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) 

            "Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you repeat that last?"

Tower:      Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)

Tower:      ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time)

Me:         Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.